I am a Christian. I am far from perfect, and I will not hold myself above others because of my relationship with God. Often times I feel as though Christians are put under a microscope on a daily basis. Whether it is intentional or not, there are many people who pay more attention to someone who has proclaimed that they are living for God, almost as though they are watching and waiting for the day that the person messes up or does something "less than Godly". When it does happen (because, like I said, we WILL mess up. We are HUMAN!), you can tell that it is almost gratifying for the person that has been paying such close attention, as if it is their "AH HA! CAUGHT YOU!" moment. I have felt this several times, and I try not to let it bother me. TRY. This is the key word! A true Christian does not think that they are exempt from failures, disappointments, sin, etc., but instead, it means that they try as best as they can to live in the way that would be pleasing to God. For me, it has been a learning process. There is still so much that I do not know or understand.
As a child, I never grew up in a "Christian Home". Don't get me wrong, my parents didn't encourage me to be a crazy, rebellious child, but God wasn't a part of daily life. A lot of the people that are now a part of my life grew up in the church; as a matter of fact, it is all that most of them have ever known. Some things that are normal and go without thinking to them are things that I've had to learn over the past handful of years since I have been saved. One of these things is Tithes and Offerings to the church. Actually, not just to the church, but to God.
I feel guilty just by saying it, but I want this to almost live as a testimony for not only those who haven't known God their entire lives, but also to those who have and still struggle with this from time to time.
Anyways, back to the subject...
God has been extremely gracious to us lately. His blessings are constantly flowing into our home unexpectedly and abundantly! I am so thankful for all that He is done... truly! However, today, as I was figuring out our finances for February 1st-15th, it was time to write out the Tithe check. For those of you who don't know (and anyone who has more knowledge than I do, please feel free to correct me if I mess any of this up!), tithing goes back into the Old Testament, where the Israelites were to give 10% (the word "tithe" means "tenth") of everything that they earned/grew to the Temple.
Malachi 3:8-10
"Will a man rob or defraud God? Yet you rob and defraud Me. But you say, "In what way do we rob or defraud You?" You have withheld your tithes and offerings. You are cursed with the curse, for you are robbing Me, even this whole nation.
Bring all the tithes (the whole tenth of your income) into the storehouse, that there may be food in My house, and prove ME now by it, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it."
Leviticus 27:30, 32
"A tithe of everything from the land, whether grain from the soil or fruit from the trees, belongs to the LORD; it is holy to the LORD."
There are others, but those were just a few.
No one can deny the "power" of money. Everyone needs it, and everyone wants it. People do CRAZY things to get it sometimes! Letting go of it is the hardest part of all. God wants us to give joyfully unto Him! So, why do I struggle with this so much? Sometimes, I don't, but today... I really did.
Most of you know that it's tax refund time. Beyond that, God blessed me with extra money from school grants and Joey extra money from being deployed longer than 365 days. This time, our 10% from our usual 1st of the month paycheck, added to 10% of the other money that we've been blessed with this week made this check a very difficult one to write. It was a check for over $1,000. Normally, I wouldn't post such personal information, but this is more than a quick blog.. it's a testimony. Now, some people would think that it's crazy, and honestly, this is how I felt today. After crunching all of the numbers, when I began writing this check, something came over me.... I can't even explain it. It felt like a surge of negative emotions; fear, anxiety, panic, shock, hesitance... it just overpowered everything in me. It was so overwhelming that I "freaked out" for lack of a better term and literally start tearing up. I stared at the checkbook with that seemingly large number staring back at me. I couldn't bring myself to write anything else on the check. I finally said to Joey, "I can't do this... I don't know why, but I just can't", then ran upstairs and buried my head into my pillow. I felt guilty and unwilling... I am supposed to be giving JOYFULLY unto the Lord.... so why am I feeling like this?
2 Corinthians 9:7
"Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver."
I want to be a cheerful giver... ALWAYS, but today was overwhelming for some reason. After praying, I realize that everything I have is a result of God's glory. I look back at 4 years ago when all 4 of us were living in one room of my dad's house. We had nothing. We were living in sin. We were struggling in our relationship and in life. We were trying to survive on about $9.00 per hour with Joey's job. We haven't been perfect, but I realize that every good thing that has happened in our lives has been given to us since we have been faithful to God. I have heard that whatever you give to God, he will multiply it 10 fold. Even though I struggle sometimes with sowing my tithe money, I am thankful that I have reached a place where I can take a step back and really pray and reflect on the situation, then realize that I am blessed far beyond the large check that I wrote today. I realize that I was only thinking of the other "fun" things I could do with that money, and I know that wasn't a mindset that was coming from the Lord. After all, I still have the other 90%.... am I really that selfish? I am still a work in progress, but as each payday passes and each seed is sown, I may not be THEE most cheerful giver, but I can tell that God is really helping me with it. I am so thankful that I have my amazing husband to not only be loving, giving, caring, and just amazing in general, but he is also an amazing man of faith, and has a wonderful relationship with God. When I was upset, he came upstairs to help me to understand and comfort me. He reminded me that it's all he has ever known, and shared with me an amazing story about my mother-in-law giving him and his brothers/sisters a quarter as a child for a gum-machine, then giving them an extra 2 or 3 cents to save towards Tithes (isn't that an awesome way to teach a child what tithing is and the importance of it?). I never really understood it, but I'm really trying my best to not only understand, but to also become that joyful, cheerful giver that I need to be 100% of the time, not just 60% of the time.
God has blessed me abundantly, and I thank God for his mercy, understanding, and grace.
Abundant blessings and cheerful giving,
-Ashley
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